How do you get a guitar player to play softer?...............................Give him a sheet of music.

How can you tell there's a singer at the door?...Can't find the key & does'nt know when to come in...

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?..........Homeless.

What is the difference between a saxophone player and a dead snake in the road?..........................The snake was on its way to a gig!

What did the drummer say just before he got kicked out of the band?........Hey guys i just wrote some new stuff.

Why do drummers have one half ounce more brains than horses?.........So they won't disgrace themselves in the parade.

How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?........Just one to hold the lightbulb while the world revolves around her(him).

What do you get when you cross a diminished scale with an augmented scale?................................A demented scale.

Why do the clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?...........So they can park in handicapped zones.

What do you do when a musician is at the door?.....................Give him money and take the pizza.

What did the jazz musician say when asked what he would do if he won the lottery?.............................."Oh, just keep gigging till the money runs out."

How can you always tell there's a drummer at the door?................The knocking keeps speeding up.

What do you NEVER hear outside a concert/rehearsal?..................Hey, is that the banjo player's Porsche?

How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?.............Shoot One.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?.................Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a trombone and a trampoline?...............You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a lawnmover and a sax?.......You can tune the lawnmower.

What's the definition of a gentlemen?.......................Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?.............Five. One to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?................ Five. One to change the light bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?...........................Would you like fries with that, sir?.

Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?.................He turned a peg and refuses to tell him which one.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?..........The bull has horns in front and the ass in the back.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?.....The sack.

How many soundmen does it take to change a lightbulb?......................One, two, three, One, two three...

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?...............A start..

"Hey, buddy... how late does the band play?"..........................."Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."